it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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