I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
