Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
