My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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