I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
