you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
