Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
