The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
