I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
