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From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
