Cold hands, warm shart.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
