A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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