My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
