I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
