dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
