My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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