i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
