to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
