Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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