Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
