Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have already put on my inside pants.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
