My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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