why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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