I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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