I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
