It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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