he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Are my feet made of real feet?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
