And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
