i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
