Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
