my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
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I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
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She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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