I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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