Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
