he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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