meet me or not, i'm out of control
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My penis needs a shock collar
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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