Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Boobs are out for the taking
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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