I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
