It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
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He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
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I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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