Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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