Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Hippo gnu deer
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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