I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
