Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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