THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
