I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
