It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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