hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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