so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
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Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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