the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
