I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
