I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
