paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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