Ambien. No doubt about it.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
