Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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