It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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