just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
