Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
