I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
