dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
