Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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